Sitting across from clients for so many years now has taught me invaluable lessons about myself, people in general, and life. The words that I hear in sessions with my clients often echo the same thoughts and feelings I've personally experienced through life. I'm sure this list will continue to grow, but here are some top lessons that I've learned personally from my work as a therapist.

1. I'M ONLY HUMAN. Being entrusted with people's innermost thoughts, feelings, and fears has allowed me to recognize that we're all so much alike in the end.  It can be difficult at times to remember that our struggles and shortcomings are so normal. I'm "perfectly imperfect" like everyone else. Society may try to convince us that we need to work our hardest to reach perfection, but one of the most freeing life lessons for me, that I try to pass onto my clients, is that perfection does not exist. Doing our best is enough, and continuously learning from mistakes, rather than regretting having them, is a peaceful and self-compassionate way of going about life. Embracing this idea has helped me in being able to help others, because otherwise we may all continue to be on an endless quest for perfection, getting us nowhere.
Speaking of self-compassion...

2. I DESERVE LOTS OF SELF-COMPASSION, JUST AS YOU DO. Negative voices from the past, and inaccurate beliefs about myself have lead to much more criticism than I ever deserved. I work with people on almost a daily basis by helping them to pay close attention to the way they think and feel about themselves. As someone who likes to "walk the walk" as best I can by staying consistent personally with healthy habits that I teach my clients, I try to stay aware of how I may be treating myself in less compassionate ways, and I make an effort to Mindfully provide myself with grace and room for mistakes. I've learned that the more I work on these parts of myself, the more I can understand my clients' struggles and work with them to overcome their challenges.

3. GRATITUDE IS PRICELESS. I may not have it all (in fact my life doesn't really look much like I thought it would...) but taking the time to recognize what I DO have...feel...experience...has given me the chance to not only improve the quality of my own life, but also be able to encourage my clients with enthusiasm that having a gratitude practice is an almost magical way to realize that we already have SO much. Witnessing clients' struggles in life, while realizing that many people would be thrilled to live their life, has helped me to realize that collectively we don't focus nearly enough on what we already have. This is not to say that their pain and problems are not real and valid, just as mine are, but when I focus on whats going right, or what someone has contributed to my life, for example, it really does change my mood and perspective almost immediately. 

4. MY (former) PRE-CONCEIVED NOTIONS OF PEOPLE ARE WRONG. I used to fall into the trap that having a certain level of wealth, or beauty, or a certain amount of friends meant that those people were more or less happy and lucky to have the life they do.. Time and experience has taught me that we all suffer, we all see our own faults, and we all want some things that we can't have. "The grass is greener on the other side" seems to be a belief that many hold strongly to. If they're able to regularly practice and buy into a gratitude practice (see #3 above) then they may be able to combat this belief system, but otherwise most people feel that having something that they don't have, or being some way that they're not, will magically make life better.
​Not only do I get to see that these pre-conceived ideas of people are untrue, but I get to have the honor of supporting those who many feel "have it all". In that process, I continuously receive the gift of recognizing that I'm fine the way I am, and what I have IS enough. 

5.  I VALUE MYSELF ENOUGH TO HAVE HEALTHY BOUNDARIES; AND I'M STILL A GOOD PERSON. I used to feel that being a "nice person" often meant bending over backwards for others and making sure that everyone was happy. Due to being a business owner (in my private practice) while also being a therapist, I've had to learn to mesh my passion for helping others and being flexible and giving, with being able to manage my business effectively, utilize my time well, and be able to make the money that I need to support my own life and bills. Trials and tribulations in my practice have helped me to formulate the boundaries that work best for me so that I'm honoring multiple parts of myself, and still being able to help others in need of support and guidance. Although I would love to have the resources to help anyone and everyone, the reality of life has shown me that sometimes I have to say "No", or at least offer compromises and alternatives to things that don't serve me well. .I hope to be a positive role model for setting healthy boundaries because if I can't do it, i certainly can't teach you how!

Overall, being a therapist, and being given the honor of peeking into peoples' innermost thoughts and feelings to help them heal, has been a tremendous gift and growth experience for me. I look forward to whatever surprises and opportunities to stretch myself, are around the corner.  I'm forever indebted to my 20 years of clients thus far, who have given me this chance to grow as a human while walking with them through their life challenges and assisting in their healing and transformations.

Feeling burnt out and overwhelmed is nothing short of an epidemic these days. Why do we do it to ourselves? And each other?

Society has very high standards for the amount of hours that we are "expected" to work (especially in the US!) and the amount of responsibilities and tasks that we're "supposed to" be doing at once. Undoubtedly, some responsibilities cannot be avoided or delegated. Having extra disposable income can certainly help when trying to outsource certain things so that your time is freed up to focus on more enjoyable things. When life is pulling you in many directions and you're feeling overwhelmed, there are certain strategies you can utilize to help you avoid getting to the point of burnout. Being more mindful of how you spend your time and how you feel about the things that you're doing can help you in prioritizing and choosing the best ways to use your time. Learning how to balance your life so that you're getting the majority of your wants and needs met will help you to feel happier and more satisfied with life. Providing yourself with opportunities to relax and do things that feel good are also important aspects of good self-care, and can include anything from participating in a hobby to staring up at the clouds in the sky. Downtime is extremely important and allows you to rejuvenate. The focus at the moment, however, is setting boundaries in order to preserve your precious time, energy, and self-respect, and to get your own needs met.

I work with many women in my practice who find it challenging to set appropriate but necessary boundaries for themselves. It seems that there are several reasons why women tend to struggle with boundary-setting and being assertive. Sometimes they share that they feel they would be seen as being "mean" or "selfish" if they say no to others who are need of help or assistance. Women often feel that they've been socialized to take on the responsibilities of those around them--their children, elderly parents, friends, etc. They try to juggle having a successful career with caring for those around them, and it is often to their detriment. As mentioned above, some responsibilities cannot be avoided, and money-making is an obvious necessary evil which can take its toll on those making sacrifices to do it all. Feeling obligated to say "yes" to every social event can also drain you of your needed energy and re-charging time. This can be even more true for those who are Highly Sensitive or more Introverted, wherein they need some quiet, often alone, time to recharge and refresh their reserves.

Rather than depleting yourself to the point where you experience burnout, try some of these tips to get a grasp on your limits and boundaries to help you feel more balanced and in control of your life:

1. Allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to ask for help when you need it. Whether it means getting assistance with cleaning  your house, meeting a deadline at work, or taking care of someone who's ill, consider asking for assistance so you don't feel that you have to do it all yourself.
2. Be willing to say "No" if someone asks you to do something that you feel in your gut you don't want to do. You may have good intentions by wanting to be helpful, but if you're feeling like you really want to say "no", trust that feeling and act accordingly.
3. Help others to understand what your limits are by communicating them, and most importantly, following through with consistency.
4. Let go of the guilt of feeling that you're not doing enough. Give yourself some compassion, knowing that you do your best, but you're only human and can't do it all.
5. Consider developing a structured schedule or balance wheel so that you can visually see what your biggest priorities are for  your time and energy.
5. Try to be aware of what you're taking on in terms of energy and tasks, and consider letting go of what isn't actually "yours" so that you can make room for the things that are most important to you in your mind, body, and soul.

There are many ways that you can become more aware of your personal boundaries and set limits for yourself, but hopefully this list will help you to get started. By evaluating how you're using your time and energy, you can then determine in what ways you can make some improvements to set boundaries and feel more happy, healthy, and balanced. Staying on top of these things on a regular basis will help you to avoid having your stress level increase to the point of burnout.

If you're a woman in San Diego, you may want to consider reaching out for some help with developing better habits and feeling more comfortable setting boundaries for yourself. I'll be hosting a workshop on 2/16/19, along with a Homeopath, to provide you with an opportunity to relax, recharge, and learn the skills necessary to move forward with living a more balanced, mindful, and fulfilling life. More information can be found at www.mindfulmatterscounseling.com/workshops
Please visit www.mindfulmatterscounseling.com for assistance in Pacific Beach, San Diego, CA with stress reduction and related concerns.   

 
Today, November 30th, marks the last day of a 30 day practice that I like to do every November wherein I share something that I’m grateful for online. How often do you focus on the things that you’re grateful for? I used to be a big complainer…I always had something negative to say, whether it was just that I was tired, or it was too cold outside, or too hot, or I was too stressed or busy or poor, etc., etc., etc.  Thank goodness I became interested in practicing Mindfulness and gratitude. Living in the moment more gave me the opportunity to really take in all the small details of my life and surroundings, and to take the time to notice the plethora of things that I have to be grateful for. You don’t have to be rich; you don’t have to have the most amazing job, a million friends, and the nicest car to find things to be thankful for. With a little thought and awareness, you’ll find that you have countless things and experiences to be grateful for. Can you walk? Then you should be grateful to your body for that! Can you hear music? Well that is certainly something to appreciate. Do you have food when you want and need it? Well not everyone does! Did you know that focusing on things that you’re grateful for, and taking a moment to really feel the gratitude in your body can develop new pathways in your brain? It can actually help to reduce symptoms of depression! Well what are you waiting for?
Here are some tips to help you get started with developing a regular practice of gratitude. I recommend recording your discoveries of gratitude in a journal or an app.

1. Throughout your day, check in with yourself frequently to see if there is something that you are experiencing that you can be grateful for. Especially notice moments when you are feeling excited, happy, or warm and fuzzy inside. Did someone do or say something that made you feel this way? What are you noticing in your surroundings and in your body?
   Feel free to write down these thoughts and feelings on the spot, or store them away in your memory bank so you can record them at night before you go to bed.
2. Have you noticed anyone throughout your day that may have some sort of limitation? The point of this is not to compare yourself to others but rather to give yourself the opportunity to be grateful for what you DO have!
3. Notice if you have made any sort of improvements in yourself or your life from the past. These are things to be grateful for!
4. Did you do something nice, thoughtful, compassionate, or caring for yourself or someone else? Be grateful toward yourself!
5. Have you witnessed the beauty of nature? Did it touch you in some way? Keep track of these things!
    
    
   I’m grateful to you for reading my article today! What are you grateful for? Notice it, write it down, and savor the feeling in your whole body for a minute. It will impact you more than you know!

 

Have you ever had one of those experiences where you drove for twenty minutes and could barely remember any of the drive once you arrived at your destination? Or you scarfed down a meal in a hurry and then it occurred to you that you didn't taste anything you just ate? This happens to all of us from time to time. It can be difficult in today's fast-paced, fully-booked, and technology-driven world to slow down and really notice what is around us. When you're in a state of automatic pilot, you may be on a mission to get somewhere important, but in the meantime, you are missing the present moment. As the popular saying goes, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why we call it the present." This could not be more true, but we often forget to embrace the present moment in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Learning how to be more mindful can really increase your quality of life, as well as the quality of your relationships, your happiness, and even your health! 

What does it mean to be "mindful"? This term is often used along with meditation, meaning that you pay close attention to such things as your breathing and focus in order to slow yourself down and clear your mind. There are endless possibilities of ways that you can add mindfulness to your everyday life. A few examples to get you started in becoming more aware of the present moment, without judgement, include such things as:

Noticing your surroundings as you take a walk-- feel the breeze blowing, the sun shining on your skin, the scent of the flowers, and the chirping of the birds.
Notice the ocean as you sit on the beach-- the sound of the crashing waves, the curl of the waves, the salty smell in the air.
Notice the way it feels to exercise-- your muscles hard at work, the feeling of your feet hitting the ground, your breath changing. 
Notice others' body language, tone, and facial expressions as their talking to you and bring awareness to how you are reacting and responding to them.

Noticing the little things around you (or in your body) will help you to feel more grounded, reduce stress and anxiety, and most of all, help you to appreciate each moment as it comes. Similarly, listening attentively to what a friend, family member, or partner is saying to you can help to improve your relationships. Communicating mindfully allows others to feel heard and cared about because of the time and attention that you are giving them. This can make them feel important and special, and can only improve the quality of a relationship of any sort. Giving another person this type of attention and quality time is the best gift you can give them, and it will feel great when it is reciprocated as well! 

Now you may be wondering why a picture of a turtle was included with this article. Not only do I think that they have the right idea by taking their time getting from place to place (not that people should be late, but slowing down the pace can help with observing your surroundings), but I also wanted to share the beautiful details in the turtle's shell. I'm assuming that the average person has not spent very much time looking at turtle's shells, and this seems to be a great example of a time when it would be beneficial to be mindful of what is around us. If we rushed past it, we wouldn't have been able to observe or appreciate the natural beauty that has been there all along. 

I encourage you to try it for yourself- sit quietly and observe the colors as you watch the sunset, while taking some slow, deep breaths. Smell the scent of the roses the next time you pass by a rose garden, and really breathe it in. When speaking to a child, listen closely to what they're saying and give them your full attention by facing them and maintaining eye contact. I bet you will notice a feeling of satisfaction and calm come over you from making these small changes in how you use your time and experience the present moment. Now is the time.